Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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