My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
