Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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