awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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