Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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