There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
