I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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