new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
