The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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