and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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