this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
