I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
