Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
