there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
