Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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