if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
