FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
