sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
