i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
