i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
