I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
