listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
