Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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