All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
