Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
