i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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