watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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