Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
