it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
