How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
