hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
