my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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