I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
