I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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