Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you never un-have a 4some
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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