I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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