I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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