Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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