i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
