I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
