Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
