My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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