my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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