All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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