I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
