Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
