3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
