Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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