He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
