My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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