if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
